So, had another opportunity to spill my guts and profess my undying love, I didn't take it. I could have even whispered it in the middle of the night. Just when it was on the tip of my tongue, I couldn't.
Although this time I can blame it on the Brexit vote. He was flipping between news channels, seeing the tallies and watching the markets' reactions. It was kinda cute. He's quite animated about things he is interested in. So that took some time and changed the ... dynamic, I guess, of the evening.
Why is it so damn hard to just spit it out? Three one syllable words. But, oh, the meaning behind those words when they are said sincerely, and not for manipulation. The vulnerability. It's easier for me to let people believe I don't care than to put myself, my true self, forward.
It is not, however, easier living with things unsaid. Now, he's in Florida for the next week or so, business trip. Can I text him? Send an email? Aside from the general etiquette of it all, if he doesn't respond, or drifts away, I'd have to wonder if he got the message, or if he did get it, does he not agree, does he not think the same, or that we don't have a future. Why do I keep torturing myself? It would be so much easier to just know. Maybe not at first, if it's not the response I want, but in the long run. If experience hasn't taught me anything else, it's taught me that.
So let's add another wrinkle to the whole thing. A former co-worker and I have started texting, I had a crush on him when he was here, And I missed him when he left the shift, and left the job. We've been playing Words with Friends, and, by the way, he's kicking my ass, and trading innuendos in the chat there. I guess it finally occurred to him that I didn't know he meant it and he sent me his cell number. Ever since, I've been really excited to get together with him, and I'm not sure where the absolute eagerness comes from. I'm ready to throw myself on my back, naked, in front of him and let him do what he wants with me. He's looking forward to the opportunity. If he's not exaggerating, he and his wife haven't been intimate for going on 4 years. That's a long time, and I can't imagine doing that, or not doing that, to my significant other, or me. But that's not for me to question.
I wonder how much of this is because I can't come to a resolution with M? Well, I can, but won't. Sometimes I irritate the hell out of myself.
On the plus side, I find that I'm enjoying water fitness, and almost look forward to it. It's still exercise and I still feel like a water buffalo, but I'm liking it. And, I'm really coming to understand why having sex in the water is so appealing to people.