I'm at the point now with my job that I'm only here until I don't need the dental anymore. I have an extraction next week, and then at least two cavities that I can tell. A little farther down the line another bridge. Yaaaaaaaaay. It's my own fault, all that sugar. Mmmmmm, sweeeeeeeeeet. And Coke. Yay, citric acid. I'm doing better with consuming less of both, but there's still plenty of room for improvement. So the bridge is $1200 WITH insurance. I shudder to think what it is without.
There are so many things I hate about this place and this job that it's easier to think about what I do like. The benefits. Some of the co-workers. That's about it. The pay is good, but it's not enough for my frame of mind every time I'm here. I'm starting to lose ground with my depression. Harder to get to sleep, appetite is affected. I'm sure that other things are affecting it, but this is most certainly not helping.
For better or worse, I get a lot of my self-image from doing a good job and being useful at my job, learning new things, climbing the ladder. Not necessarily being promoted, but new responsibilities and tasks. Right now the job is pointless, I feel useless. The job has always been pointless, honestly, but there were things I could do and learn. Those have been taken away, for whatever reason, I'm afraid to ask, honestly. Now I sit and try to look like I care. That gets harder every day.
I feel like I'm not important enough to anybody for them to try. It may be that they are dealing with other things in their lives, which I get, but TELL ME, don't just go silent. I think it's me and I rack my brain trying to figure out what I did or didn't do, what I can or should do differently, whether I should even bother to keep trying. The conclusion I reach, usually, is that no, I shouldn't even bother anymore. Not just with him, but with anybody. I'll go to Nevada and hire a gigolo when I need sex, and spend the rest of my life alone.
These are the thoughts in my dark and lonely brain. They just get darker and more frightening.