So, had another opportunity to spill my guts and profess my undying love, I didn't take it. I could have even whispered it in the middle of the night. Just when it was on the tip of my tongue, I couldn't.
Although this time I can blame it on the Brexit vote. He was flipping between news channels, seeing the tallies and watching the markets' reactions. It was kinda cute. He's quite animated about things he is interested in. So that took some time and changed the ... dynamic, I guess, of the evening.
Why is it so damn hard to just spit it out? Three one syllable words. But, oh, the meaning behind those words when they are said sincerely, and not for manipulation. The vulnerability. It's easier for me to let people believe I don't care than to put myself, my true self, forward.
It is not, however, easier living with things unsaid. Now, he's in Florida for the next week or so, business trip. Can I text him? Send an email? Aside from the general etiquette of it all, if he doesn't respond, or drifts away, I'd have to wonder if he got the message, or if he did get it, does he not agree, does he not think the same, or that we don't have a future. Why do I keep torturing myself? It would be so much easier to just know. Maybe not at first, if it's not the response I want, but in the long run. If experience hasn't taught me anything else, it's taught me that.
So let's add another wrinkle to the whole thing. A former co-worker and I have started texting, I had a crush on him when he was here, And I missed him when he left the shift, and left the job. We've been playing Words with Friends, and, by the way, he's kicking my ass, and trading innuendos in the chat there. I guess it finally occurred to him that I didn't know he meant it and he sent me his cell number. Ever since, I've been really excited to get together with him, and I'm not sure where the absolute eagerness comes from. I'm ready to throw myself on my back, naked, in front of him and let him do what he wants with me. He's looking forward to the opportunity. If he's not exaggerating, he and his wife haven't been intimate for going on 4 years. That's a long time, and I can't imagine doing that, or not doing that, to my significant other, or me. But that's not for me to question.
I wonder how much of this is because I can't come to a resolution with M? Well, I can, but won't. Sometimes I irritate the hell out of myself.
On the plus side, I find that I'm enjoying water fitness, and almost look forward to it. It's still exercise and I still feel like a water buffalo, but I'm liking it. And, I'm really coming to understand why having sex in the water is so appealing to people.

I have to say that today is the crappiest day I've had in a long time.
Our formerly feral foster cat, Tara, left for the shelter today. She made remarkable strides in un-feraling herself and is a big love bug. I cried harder than I have for a foster in a long time.
Smedley's tumor is back. I did everything I could to convince myself that it was anything but, but it is. I haven't looked yet to see about how long we have, but I'm sure it's a matter of months. This sucks. So I cried about that, too. My eyes are swollen enough that it looks like somebody popped me a good one, minus the bruising.
So, just as the icing on the cake, I got diet coke instead of regular at the drive-thru. Blech. No cans of coke in the car, just Sierra Mist. Sigh.
Then I get to work and realize I forgot my antacid AND the naprosyn I'm supposed to take at 1. The accumulation of little inconveniences today has made for a majorly crap-tacular day. Tomorrow will be better. It better be.

Sometimes I think I'm a big, fat chicken. I had the opportunity to tell him my feelings tonight, and I choked. Maybe not the best verb in this situation.
To be fair, I thought he was staying the night. I still choked.
However, I am a little encouraged because he noticed that my hair was longer, and that I looked like I lost weight. Still not sure about that, the scale has given me two very different readings in 3 days. And we have sorta plans for a couple of weeks from now.
I think that despite how I feel right now, I'm probably stronger than I give myself credit for. It's okay, I guess, to stay with this feeling for a little while. Grrrrr.

WHY do I continue to pick at hangnails when I know it's going to end in pain and, sometimes bleeding? I continue on, even when it starts to hurt. And while I'm telling myself I should stop. This is really one of the reasons I took up knitting...if I have something to do with my hands, I don't pick at my hangnails. As much. But here at the wonderful world of work, doing stuff is not allowed. In fact, if I were caught doing this, I'd probably get fired since I'm on a final write-up for, you guessed it, doing stuff. There are folks who can do nothing and be happy and I am not one of them. Hence, this blog of sorts.
It's a boring night, and I'm probably going to regret saying that. My games are caught up for the moment-waiting for things to grow. I could start searching the classifieds, I guess, but I'm not sure what I want to do. And in some ways, it's better to stick with the devil you know. I honestly thought I would be over my teenage angst by now. It's a little early for the mid-life crisis. I think that it is mostly knowing what I want but not being able to overcome the fear to go after it. Although I have decided that the next time I see him, which should be Thursday, good Lord willing and the crick don't rise, that I love him. If that's it and he "breaks up" then I'll be devastated, but then I'll know. It will take some work and some time and then I'll be okay though. The "Band-Aid" theory of life - do it, get it over with and then nurse your wounds. And it's been long enough. He's still young enough to build a family, if that's what he wants. I'd rather it was with me, but if he wants kids, it's probably not me. Age is a factor there, I'm hesitant to inflict my gene pool on another poor kid. But mostly it's my aged eggs.