One of the things I dislike intensely about my job is the assumption that they have some kind of dibs on my off time. I have to attend a stupid hour-long training on sexual harassment. I have been working long enough that this is a topic on which I do not need any more training. It boils down to: don't say anything to another person, especially of the opposite sex, that remotely implies that you notice anything about them that would make them different than yourself. There, I just saved everybody an hour.
In the grand scheme of things I admit than an hour is not much. However, my off time is precisely that, MINE. I have plans, and sometimes I don't have plans on purpose. Since pretending to be a functioning, mature adult at my job takes a lot of energy, I need down time. And it just so happens that I have an appointment that day, that was set 3 months in advance. It's not exactly going to make for a frantic day, but it's a lot for me to do. I'm already tired.
And you know what else? This is the kind of training that could easily be done via a memo, or training document. I got nothing but time during my shift. The Stupid runs rampant through here.

Waiting for the dam to break...

I feel like there's a lot trying to get out, but I'm having some kind of block, or it's an unwillingness to face what's going on up there. The brain, she is a mighty tool, an sometimes she can be a tool. Sometimes a simple thought (to occupy my time) turns into this torturous, circuitous path to the depths and darkness that I know is there, but try to keep locked away. Kind of like an unstable mine, it doesn't benefit anybody to go in there. While what-ifs can be beneficial for planning and avoiding danger, they can also lead to unlikely and negative events in the mind that just drag me down. A little like If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. I think in the end the mouse moves in. I believe when it is thoughts, and not cookies, they call it perseverating.
However, through the perseveration, I am moving forward. Slowly, but I'm moving. I finally made a doctor's appointment to address my shoulder. Hello, shoulder! The pain is bad, the stiffness in my neck makes it hard to turn my head, and the sudden dropping of stuff is ridiculous. I'd like to be able to brush my teeth or write a letter without pain.
I also enrolled in a weight management class with Kaiser. Ten 2-hour sessions. Ugh. I'm not sure how helpful it will be, but you gotta start somewhere. And I suppose I can always stop if it's not helping.
Also found a swim exercise class. I have a couple of questions before I go to a session that I need to call on. Plus it turned cold the last week. Oh, and I have to shave my legs. I don't think anybody else dragging their butts to exercise in a pool at the butt-crack of dawn will care. I can't do it, though. It's not actually the butt-crack of dawn, that class starts at seven and I don't get off work until 7. I could do it on Thursdays, I guess, but that would affect my sleeping time, and then my knitting group, etc. Anyway, dragging my (painful) feet a little bit on that,
My feet are the reason for the swim class. I'm not supposed to exercise on them. Yet, if I lose weight, it's supposed to help. Sometimes my brain hurts. Hey! Full circle.
I had a sudden revelation that I don't want to feel this crappy in my golden years. I don't know how much better I can feel, but it's got to be better than this. I don't want to be a grumpy old lady that snaps at everybody because she's in pain all the time. I just want to be a grumpy old lady.
My grouchy old man cat needs surgery for a tumor, possible sarcoma. I am not happy about that. Well, who would be really? The vet called this afternoon and said is kidney values are a bit high and to start him on kidney food. I know he's senior, and getting up there for a cat, but I'm still not ready to deal with this. He's obnoxious, but I know there will be a giant hole in my life when he goes. Sigh.

That sure was fast. I'm on a final written already. 2 in a week! Mostly because I work with big mouth tattletales. Although, on the other hand, if I get fired for something stupid, it will be easier to get unemployment.
I don't know what the big deal is, truly. If they want to get me a lobotomy so I can turn my brain off, I can sit there and do nothing. I stayed at my stupid post, I did not infringe on any customer service. Because other team members can't multi-task, I get punished.
The shame of the situation is that they have burned a quality employee. I no longer care about the friggin' company or their mission or values. I'm putting in the minimum to stay hired because I need the paycheck. Of course, I have to try really hard to hide the attitude. Cleaned out my locker. I'm ready, just in case I walk into another damn write up.
This sucks in the biggest way. All the crap I've put up with and tried to adjust to. I've been unhappy there for so long this should be a little bit of a relief.
So many words, and so many of them start with f.

So, if I haven't mentioned it before, you'll notice "I hate my job" will be a repeated refrain, both explicitly stated and implied. I try not to mention it because 1. it doesn't bear repeating, it is a given, and 2. nobody wants to hear it over and over, but sometimes it just gets to the point that I need to scream. Tonight is one of those nights.
I didn't get the job transfer, so I'm stuck doing menial tasks for the forseeable future. Yay, me. Plus, with the write-up, I won't get a transfer for the next 3 months. I suppose it's part of the company's way to make sure one department's screw-up isn't passed to another department, but it still bites. Tonight they informed us that mandatory OT is looming. This means 6-day work weeks. Color me pissed. Working graveyard means that essentially you only have one weekend day anyway.  So I'm supposed to give up what little (and precious) free time I have because the department staffing was allowed to fall so low. Ummmm, no, how's that work for you? I'm not the one that allowed so many people to transfer out. I'm not the one that delayed posting job openings. I'm not the one that promoted four people to slots that didn't really need to be filled. I'm also not the one that refuses to go to a 4-10 schedule. Another department has done it, I don't know why we can't.
I do realize that I'm not as "stuck" as it seems. I have alternatives, but being the responsible adult that I am (BUWHAHAHA!), just walking off a job, tempting as it is, is not really an option. It's come very very close some nights. It was really a matter of not doing something permanently stupid because I was angry. Maybe not permanent, but certainly long-term effects. And this place certainly has its fair share of permanently stupid. Some days I think being brain-damaged is a prerequisite to being hired. I have my own issues, which is why I work here. If you aren't weird when they hire you, you certainly are after being here awhile.

The trouble with social media is, that when you need to vent, you have to remember who's on your friends list. Not always a good idea to friend co-workers, even if you just need to vent about work in general. That kind of stuff can take on a life of it's own. No bueno. So, like many millions of other people, I hate my job. Passionately. Like, if the building were on fire, I would volunteer to bring the weenies and marshmallows. I'm also kind of stuck because the pay is good and the benefits are excellent. I suppose we all have complicated and conflicting reasons why we get up and go to work everyday, even at a job we hate.
So I was the lucky recipient tonight of a write-up. I deserved part of it, I won't lie, but the sequence of events started out messed up and I just dropped the ball on my end. It still sucks. Personally, I may just not be taking it seriously enough, but it's not like the Soviets got nuclear secrets or something. And I'm sure it's nothing everybody else hasn't done at one time or another, I just got caught. Lucky me. Yaaaaaaaay.
What really bites about this particular write-up at this particular time is that I'm trying to transfer departments and this might screw that up. Sigh. I've often gotten the feeling that the Universe is telling me that this is not the job for me and is nudging me to change my direction and career path, but I don't need a sledge hammer to tell me that. A gentle coaxing is sufficient, THANK YOU.
So what I really want to do is direct. Ha-ha.
I've changed my focus from teaching High School to elementary school, But I need to get the credentials changed around, I'm dragging my feet, though. Part of it is financial and part of it is inertia. When this body is at rest, it really does tend to stay at rest.