I'm at the point now with my job that I'm only here until I don't need the dental anymore. I have an extraction next week, and then at least two cavities that I can tell. A little farther down the line another bridge. Yaaaaaaaaay. It's my own fault, all that sugar. Mmmmmm, sweeeeeeeeeet. And Coke. Yay, citric acid. I'm doing better with consuming less of both, but there's still plenty of room for improvement. So the bridge is $1200 WITH insurance. I shudder to think what it is without.
There are so many things I hate about this place and this job that it's easier to think about what I do like. The benefits. Some of the co-workers. That's about it. The pay is good, but it's not enough for my frame of mind every time I'm here. I'm starting to lose ground with my depression. Harder to get to sleep, appetite is affected. I'm sure that other things are affecting it, but this is most certainly not helping.
For better or worse, I get a lot of my self-image from doing a good job and being useful at my job, learning new things, climbing the ladder. Not necessarily being promoted, but new responsibilities and tasks. Right now the job is pointless, I feel useless. The job has always been pointless, honestly, but there were things I could do and learn. Those have been taken away, for whatever reason, I'm afraid to ask, honestly. Now I sit and try to look like I care. That gets harder every day.
I feel like I'm not important enough to anybody for them to try. It may be that they are dealing with other things in their lives, which I get, but TELL ME, don't just go silent. I think it's me and I rack my brain trying to figure out what I did or didn't do, what I can or should do differently, whether I should even bother to keep trying. The conclusion I reach, usually, is that no, I shouldn't even bother anymore. Not just with him, but with anybody. I'll go to Nevada and hire a gigolo when I need sex, and spend the rest of my life alone.
These are the thoughts in my dark and lonely brain. They just get darker and more frightening.

I slept solid yesterday, with the help of Zzzquil. Good stuff, that. I'm not too sure that you're supposed to take it every day, but it sure is tempting. My mood has improved a great deal, although I'm still pretty sure I'm having a relapse of depression, which sucks. I have a lot of unresolved stuff going on, and some of it is going to take an intestinal fortitude that I just don't have. Some of it is due to the necessity for long-range planning. I want the change, I need the change, but it is going to take some time to implement the change. Patience is not exactly the greatest of my virtues.
I already have changed my eating and exercise habits. 27 pounds down. Ooooo, I should look up my BMI now. (http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/educational/lose_wt/BMI/bmicalc.htm is a promising site) Still not in the healthy range, I'm sure, but I should see how much closer I am. Yup, still not in the healthy range. Closer, though. Now I only have to lose 93 pounds. Not sure that much is healthy for me.
It's still a struggle to not eat crap, but overall I do okay. The people who tell you to keep a food log are right. It helps a ton. I hate it when "they" are right, dammit.
Discovered the joy of water aerobics. Joy might be exaggerating, but I do like it a lot. That helped me lose a lot of the weight, too. Cut my Starbucks down to a grande 98% of the time. Still have days when only a venti will do. And sometimes that's not big enough, either. I'm still working on sugar. Added sugar is just about everywhere. The worst is yogurt. Think you're doing something healthy until you read the sugar content. Damn. I detest plain yogurt, so I switched to cottage cheese.
With the holidays and colder weather on the horizon, it probably will get harder before it gets easier. Not sure if this helped or just bummed me out a little more....

So, had another opportunity to spill my guts and profess my undying love, I didn't take it. I could have even whispered it in the middle of the night. Just when it was on the tip of my tongue, I couldn't.
Although this time I can blame it on the Brexit vote. He was flipping between news channels, seeing the tallies and watching the markets' reactions. It was kinda cute. He's quite animated about things he is interested in. So that took some time and changed the ... dynamic, I guess, of the evening.
Why is it so damn hard to just spit it out? Three one syllable words. But, oh, the meaning behind those words when they are said sincerely, and not for manipulation. The vulnerability. It's easier for me to let people believe I don't care than to put myself, my true self, forward.
It is not, however, easier living with things unsaid. Now, he's in Florida for the next week or so, business trip. Can I text him? Send an email? Aside from the general etiquette of it all, if he doesn't respond, or drifts away, I'd have to wonder if he got the message, or if he did get it, does he not agree, does he not think the same, or that we don't have a future. Why do I keep torturing myself? It would be so much easier to just know. Maybe not at first, if it's not the response I want, but in the long run. If experience hasn't taught me anything else, it's taught me that.
So let's add another wrinkle to the whole thing. A former co-worker and I have started texting, I had a crush on him when he was here, And I missed him when he left the shift, and left the job. We've been playing Words with Friends, and, by the way, he's kicking my ass, and trading innuendos in the chat there. I guess it finally occurred to him that I didn't know he meant it and he sent me his cell number. Ever since, I've been really excited to get together with him, and I'm not sure where the absolute eagerness comes from. I'm ready to throw myself on my back, naked, in front of him and let him do what he wants with me. He's looking forward to the opportunity. If he's not exaggerating, he and his wife haven't been intimate for going on 4 years. That's a long time, and I can't imagine doing that, or not doing that, to my significant other, or me. But that's not for me to question.
I wonder how much of this is because I can't come to a resolution with M? Well, I can, but won't. Sometimes I irritate the hell out of myself.
On the plus side, I find that I'm enjoying water fitness, and almost look forward to it. It's still exercise and I still feel like a water buffalo, but I'm liking it. And, I'm really coming to understand why having sex in the water is so appealing to people.

I have to say that today is the crappiest day I've had in a long time.
Our formerly feral foster cat, Tara, left for the shelter today. She made remarkable strides in un-feraling herself and is a big love bug. I cried harder than I have for a foster in a long time.
Smedley's tumor is back. I did everything I could to convince myself that it was anything but, but it is. I haven't looked yet to see about how long we have, but I'm sure it's a matter of months. This sucks. So I cried about that, too. My eyes are swollen enough that it looks like somebody popped me a good one, minus the bruising.
So, just as the icing on the cake, I got diet coke instead of regular at the drive-thru. Blech. No cans of coke in the car, just Sierra Mist. Sigh.
Then I get to work and realize I forgot my antacid AND the naprosyn I'm supposed to take at 1. The accumulation of little inconveniences today has made for a majorly crap-tacular day. Tomorrow will be better. It better be.

Sometimes I think I'm a big, fat chicken. I had the opportunity to tell him my feelings tonight, and I choked. Maybe not the best verb in this situation.
To be fair, I thought he was staying the night. I still choked.
However, I am a little encouraged because he noticed that my hair was longer, and that I looked like I lost weight. Still not sure about that, the scale has given me two very different readings in 3 days. And we have sorta plans for a couple of weeks from now.
I think that despite how I feel right now, I'm probably stronger than I give myself credit for. It's okay, I guess, to stay with this feeling for a little while. Grrrrr.

WHY do I continue to pick at hangnails when I know it's going to end in pain and, sometimes bleeding? I continue on, even when it starts to hurt. And while I'm telling myself I should stop. This is really one of the reasons I took up knitting...if I have something to do with my hands, I don't pick at my hangnails. As much. But here at the wonderful world of work, doing stuff is not allowed. In fact, if I were caught doing this, I'd probably get fired since I'm on a final write-up for, you guessed it, doing stuff. There are folks who can do nothing and be happy and I am not one of them. Hence, this blog of sorts.
It's a boring night, and I'm probably going to regret saying that. My games are caught up for the moment-waiting for things to grow. I could start searching the classifieds, I guess, but I'm not sure what I want to do. And in some ways, it's better to stick with the devil you know. I honestly thought I would be over my teenage angst by now. It's a little early for the mid-life crisis. I think that it is mostly knowing what I want but not being able to overcome the fear to go after it. Although I have decided that the next time I see him, which should be Thursday, good Lord willing and the crick don't rise, that I love him. If that's it and he "breaks up" then I'll be devastated, but then I'll know. It will take some work and some time and then I'll be okay though. The "Band-Aid" theory of life - do it, get it over with and then nurse your wounds. And it's been long enough. He's still young enough to build a family, if that's what he wants. I'd rather it was with me, but if he wants kids, it's probably not me. Age is a factor there, I'm hesitant to inflict my gene pool on another poor kid. But mostly it's my aged eggs.

If I fell for you, what would it be like?
Hearts and flowers and bluebirds singing?
Would I know, would I believe,
that I am important to you, that you think of me
that you want me in the darkest of nights and brightest of days.
Would I finally meet your friends, they would meet me,
Would we make plans together, spend afternoons going
nowhere and everywhere, making memories
Laughing at secret jokes,
glowing with love for each other.
Looking forward with hope and excitement
Knowing each day is one we'll start together, and end together.
Would you woo me? Romance me?
Or take me for granted, knowing that I fell for you, and
there is no other.